Jesus is my Homeboy... and He can introduce me to the right people

I thought I'd give a little background to myself before going on with my post. I am in my early 20's and was attending college up until last year. Some personal family issues as well as lack of funds prohibited me from returning. My school was my life. It was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I've always been very shy, reserved, and quite frankly, lacking in some social skills. I've never been the girl that goes out and parties a lot. I've never had a lot of friends and therefore lacked certain experiences when I was younger. That all changed when I went to college and I started to discover who I really was and began to have a social life. My friends from school stopped talking to me when they found out that I wouldn't be coming back for a while and that hurt quite deeply. When It was all taken away, i fell into a deep depression and I locked myself away and wished every day that I wouldn't wake up to see another day. People may think its not that big of a deal and on the surface it may not be but it is the underlying issues that make it so bad. After almost a year of locking myself away, I decided to start experiencing life again. I wanted to make friends and realize that even though I may not be at school right now, my life isn't over. I got angry with God for allowing me to get so sad and I realized that that wasn't the right thing to do. So, I decided to put myself out there and that is where my journey began.
I haven't had much success with True.com so I pretty much put that on the back burner. Not canceling my membership or anything but definitely not being totally proactive either. I haven't been to any Meetup events either. I was getting a little discouraged and wondered why nothing was working out and then I realized what was missing. I had been so angry with God and religion that I had forgotten how essential He is in my life. My mom and I started going to a church we used to go to and they have a young adult ministry and I've attended a couple meetings. Its so great to be among the living again. We study the Bible and of course just hang out and talk about random stuff. I've made some good friends and I've been enjoying it. Its just funny to me that I've been trying all these methods to make friends and develop a social life when all that was needed was to go to church and get back with Jesus. Since I'll be doing a lot more and experiencing a lot more, I'll be writing more often. Wish me luck Guys!!!!!

Contact me at socialnovice@gmail.com

What I thought was the beginning

A few posts ago I mentioned that contacted this guy I used to know and how he never contacted me back. I was crushed but then out of the blue this weekend after a year of no contact and months of no response. Since I was dedicating so much time to talking about him, I thought I would give you the complete story. From beginning to end. I wrote it in story form so I hope you enjoy... BTW, the names have been changed in order to protect the identities of those involved.

It was early Sunday morning when my mom and I walked into church as usual; not paying attention to anyone or anything in particular. Never really feeling like I belonged at that church, I quickly took my seat trying to go unnoticed. There was nothing special about the service that day and I was actually quite bored throughout the service and thrilled when it was over. My mother and I headed down the stairs and headed out the door as soon as it was over but, as usual, my mother got caught up with greeting, hugging, and "loving on" everyone. I just stood back and watched my mother do what she does best. One particular member, a young handsome man, came up to us and offered hugs which we both accepted.That in itself wasn't out of the ordinary because it was a very loving church.

"How old are you?" asked my mom to the young man hugging him after he hugged me.

"Me? 23." he replied without hesitation.

"Hmm OK just wondering" responded my mother.

I found it odd for her to ask that random question but I never put anything past my overly friendly mother.
On the ride home my mom said

"I think he likes you"

"Who?" I ask

"Adam"

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know. I just have a feeling"

"I don't think so. I should know."

"OK whatever"

"Then again, I'm not really good at picking up on things like that"
"Alright then, you should believe me."

I wanted to believe that he liked me but I never even noticed him. It is pretty unusual for me because if there is an attractive eligible guy around who could possibly be even the slightest bit attracted to me, I'll notice. I may not act on it but I definitely notice.

Another Sunday arrives and I am paying slightly more attention to the mystery guy because if there's someone who likes me, I most certainly wants to find out more about it. I have never been the pretty girl or at least that's the way I feel. A quick smile was exchanged between the two before service started but that was it. I was talking to the pastor after church and could see Adam standing near by seemingly waiting for me. During the entire chat with the pastor, Adam and I maintained eye contact. I didn't know what this meant but I knew it made me feel good. We hugged the traditional "church hug" before leaving. It was the kind that evoked no particular emotion and that could be given to a stranger. However, it was enough to keep me happy and filled with anticipation for an entire week.

The next Sunday I went to church with my younger cousins who were visiting for the week. When we arrived, I saw Adam and we exchanged a sweet smile as usual. I then noticed that he was sitting with a small boy. I never thought anything of it because kids seemed to gravitate to him all the time. He immediately came over to where my cousins and I were sitting.

"Good morning beautiful. Would you like to meet my son?" I was a little taken aback at the thought of him having a son not to mention the fact that he called me beautiful. your son? I thought.

"Of Course."

"Well, This is Jacob."

"Hey there! How are you?" I said sweetly. He was adorable and I couldn't resist picking him up and embracing him warmly. "I love babies."

"Aren't you going to ask her name. Isn't she beautiful?"

"What's your name?" the little boy said in the smallest cutest voice imaginable.

I told him my name and asked him how old he was. He held up 3 fingers.

Soon after that, we all took our seats and listened to the service. All throughout the message, Jacob, who was sitting in front of me with his father, kept looking back and playing with me. After service he came up to me and hugged me before leaving. This hug, however, wasn't like the others. It was long and filled with emotion. I melted and felt so safe and comforted in his arms. I could have stayed there all day and was almost disappointed when we separated. At that moment I knew this was "the one". After the embrace ended he said "My son was just shining in your light." I didn't really know what that meant or what to make of it but I did know that it had to be something good. My mother was in a rush and I had to leave. I walked out the door looking back and noticing that Adam was watching me leave. I held up my hand in a departing manner and he flashed that smile that could make me feel butterflies like never before.

Later that day, my mother and were shopping and I explained to her how the hug was without the whole "he-was-the-one" thing. My mom once again mentioned that she thought that he liked me and that she was going to find out his story from the pastor. This intrigued me because with my mom behind me it made it feel more real and not just another imagined attraction that I so frequently experienced.

A couple Sundays went by and finally I got to see him again. We walked into church and there he was once again with his son. I walked in the door and exchanged our usual smile. He looked almost excited to see me. I walked over to him casually and said hi and then immediately directed my attention to his son. I didn't want to seem desperate. Adam never seemed to acknowledge me the whole service which kind of made me think that maybe he didn't like me "like that" and he was just being friendly. I always tended to think that any guy that even paid me the slightest bit of attention must like me. I didn't want to over think it with him because I was really starting to like him. After church, he came over to me and gave me one of those melting hugs. When we separated this time, his arms trailed along my body finally coming to a halt at my hands. He held me there with such sweet strong possession that I thought
"Take me, you can have me. Right here, right now".
"How was your week?" he started off with.

"It was fine... I missed you last week."

"Yeah. Taledega was..."

"Was it awesome?" I quickly blurted out.

"It really was a great experience".

This casual conversation continued for a little while until he drifted away for a while to play with the kids in the church. I sat down in disappointment feeling abandoned and then he came back and sat in front of me and began talking again. He shared a brief portion of his testimony and I listened intently. He was actually sharing with me some intimate stories about his life that I thought should have been shared later on in this possibly budding relationship but I wasn't complaining. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I found him even more attractive now that he was focused solely on me. I could feel his eyes piercing through me and I liked every minute of it. We talked about school and church, ministry, and lots of other little things. Then, once again, he got up again to go play with the kids. Sitting with me in between playing. This frustrated me but I let it go. Sort of. After a while, he completely abandoned me alone there and this made me feel quite uncomfortable. The Pastor said he was ready and Adam had to go. He came over and gave me a "church hug" with a little bit more substance and whispered "I love you" and I couldn't respond quickly enough, "I love you too". And with that he was gone. I was pleased with our interaction but I just wished there would have been more. Something I could hold onto. Plus, I was supposed to be leaving to go back to school in a few weeks and we would be separated for a while and I felt like every encounter had to count because our relationship had to be strong enough so that it could grow even though we were going to be apart for a while.

One of my unfortunate habits was to plan my wedding and my whole life basically with any guy I liked in my head and Adam was no exception. I thought about it constantly. I could see us standing at the altar together and everything. I tried harder than ever to block those thoughts but it seemed as though I couldn't control it. I knew it was crazy but I just couldn't help it. I've always been that way.

If indeed he was The One, I was just going to leave it up to God and let things run their course. I wasn't going to force anything and see where things went. With each passing day, I was filling with excitement and anticipation about this new possible relationship...
I was feeling particularly cute that following Sunday morning on my way to church. I knew that I was going to get a chance to see Adam again that Sunday and after the great strides we had been making, I thought that nothing but greatness would follow. I walked into the sanctuary with my mother and Adam was nowhere to be seen. At first, it was shock when I scanned the sanctuary not seeing him anywhere. I was crushed and couldn't believe that he wasn't there. Immediately I thought the worst; he went back out to the streets and left the ministry. He was gone forever. Even with all these thoughts racing through my head, every time the door swung open, I held my breath hoping it was Adam. Both my mother and I wondered and speculated all throughout service where he was. Finally, my mom asked a friend of his where he was and found out that he moved out of the Pastor's house. It was both the most crushing news and a relief at the same time. It was good to know that he had not left church in rebellion in order to go back to a life of crime but then again it meant that I was not going to get to see him anymore. I was in such shock because that meant that he was gone. Gone out of my life forever. He could have been everything that I ever desired and I would ever get the chance to find out what greatness we could accomplish together. I should have known better than to get my hopes so high.

After accepting the fact that Adam was no longer in the picture, I tried to move on but it proved harder than I thought. He wasn't even my type because he just didn't posses some of the materialistic qualities that I usually require. However, there was something about him that kept drawing me in. I saw his Myspace profile a while ago and never got up the courage to add him as a friend because I didn't want to seem like a stalker. I looked at it all the time just to feel like I had a piece of him and couldn't resist looking at it again and again just to pick and the wound. A few months ago when I decided to start a new journey of socializing, I decided go ahead and message him. It was a brief message basically saying hi and asking if he remembered me. Months went by with no response so I imagined he was ignoring me. Suddenly, I get a response and was so overwhelmed with joy that I thought I might burst. He was excited to hear from me and have me his number and told me to call him. I was too nervous to call so I texted and texted back for me to call him so I built up the courage and called. We talked for a while about a gig he had that night. He invited me but I made an excuse but he didn't seem bothered and said he would call me later to tell me how it went. I was so excited that he was back in my life and couldn't wait to see the possibilities. I waited and waited for him to call me back and he never did. Its been several days and no word from him. I am not going to be the one to call because he said he would and I don't want to seem clingy. Once again, I felt the pain of him again. There's still something inside me that craves him but I have to accept the fact we may never be. I'm not totally writing him off but I'm so over his disappearing acts.

I want to give up but i NEVER will

So, basically I am an epic failure. I have accomplished nothing that I set out to do. No socializing, no exposure, no...nothing. I've become a sort of recluse. I haven't talked to any friends on the phone or gone out to meet new friends. I guess I've hit some sort of road block on my journey.
I previously mentioned that I contacted some old friends via the internet and thought that these were good contacts to regain. Unfortunately nobody has responded to me. It sucks that even online I get rejected. I usually don't sound this depressed and desperate but it just seems like nothing is working out. Isn't that just the story of my life. I don't think I am going to give up on this. If it is successful, I will have met great people and become a more well rounded person. If it fails then I just get my feelings hurt over and over again. Oh well, hopefully I'll have more to share next week...hopefully.

Like Daughter, Like Mother

Turns out my mom is trying the whole online dating thing too. I was a little surprised

because she has never really shown much interest in meeting anyone. She described one man she was talking to as an older gentleman who was quite southern and quite wealthy. They went out once and she said he seemed very nice but wasn't thinking of him as anything other than a friend. She had nothing but nice things to say about him until one day when he began to let his racism show. He began bashing immigrants and spewing all sorts of other negative things about anyone who wasn't white or American. Needless to say that was their last conversation.

We've both had bad luck with our try at online dating. Maybe its just bad luck or we're doing somethin g wrong. I wanted to give up since my last experience but she said she wont and that I shouldn't either. So, I guess I will leave up my profile but I'm not activ ely pursuing the online thing anymore unless I really feel that someone possesses all the characteristics of a suitable individual with whom to spend time with.

Since I put online socializing on the back burner, I thought I would dive right in to other aspects of my journey. I was all set to go to my first meetup group activity but last minute they change d it to a single mom's event. They were in their thirties and looking for some time away from the kids. Considering that I am nowhere near thirty nor do I have any kids I decided to pass on that one. I think I'm going to just stick to meetup groups specifically for my demographic from now on.

I even got in contact with some old friends on facebook and myspace. I found one of my closest friends in high school. He opened up the lines of communication by friend requesting me but I initiated the conversation my messaging him and basically apologizing for whatever drove a rift between us at the end of high school. He said he wanted to be friends again which was great because I really want that too. I found another former acquaintance on myspace. We met at church last year and hit it off really well then he disappeared and no one heard from him since and then my mom and I left the church so we don't know if he went back after we left. Anyway, we had a really strong bond from the beginning and even though we didn't really know each other for that long, I was beginning to have serious feelings for him. I just messaged him to say hi and I hope he responds. I don't know what will come from these two new contacts but we'll see.

One of my mother's close friends, whom I've known since I was a little girl, mentioned to my mother that she always felt that I was going to end up with her son. He is about 3 or 4 years older than me and we never got along. As kids, he always would make fun of me and it continued through our early teen years and after that, w e just completely severed contact with one another. There was no animosity necessarily but we just never got along and had no need to talk to each other. He's not even really my type of guy because he's kind of short and is struggling with a slight drug problem. His mom says she just feels that I'm part of her family already and she just would think I'd be a good influence on her son. I do feel that she is family too and I love her and I think I could be a good influence but I don't know if I want to go into a friendship and a rehab counselor. However, making friends and socializing is what I'm setting out to do so maybe I shouldn't write him off just yet.

I feel like I am back to square one on my journey. Every time I try to move forward, a hindrance appears out of nowhere. I want to try harder but I am just afraid that the harder I try the more obstacles I will face. Maybe that's part of my journey. I'm not going to quit even though I want to. Hopefully, some great things will come from this all.

Terminator: “I’ll [not] be back”

“Hey girl” was the start of the message I received from a member at True.com. He went on to say how beautiful I was and despite his younger age, I would not be disappointed if I chose to contact him. Based on what little information his profile offered, he didn’t really seem to be my type but I thought maybe it was time to explore something different and not be so quick to write someone off that I know nothing about. I wanted to try something new and see what would become of this. The next message I received from him was with his phone number and I was slightly taken aback because I didn’t know him and I thought it was on the inappropriate side. So, I told him that I’d hold on to the number but I thought it would be best if we just communicated via email for a while. He agreed and that was the beginning.

He and I exchanged casual emails for a couple months and in those emails I noticed some reoccurring grammatical errors and spelling mistakes that made me cringe. I brushed it of saying I was being overly critical as usual and I needed to stop judging him. I decided to take it to the next step and finally use the phone number he had given me. I sent him a few text messages and we decided to meet up one evening for a movie or something. It seemed that every time we scheduled a date something else came up and one of us had to cancel. This continued for a couple weeks. I should have taken this as a sign…

Finally, we both agreed upon a date and neither of us cancelled. I was looking forward to it because it felt like the first step in my journey and I thought and I had nothing to lose. I just wanted a chance to get out of the house and do something; join the living. I should have known the date would have been a disaster based upon the hours leading up to it. When he texted me early in the day about going out later that night, I was at the pool enjoying a relaxing day and the first thought I had was “oh no, what am I gonna do with my hair?” When I got back inside, I realized that I had bigger problems than my hair. I had a pretty bad sunburn and hoped that I would be able to cover it up somehow. Next, I couldn’t find anything to wear. I went through outfit after outfit trying to find the right balance between casual and sexy. I then found out that my Aunt had the car and no one could find her or get in contact with her. I was frantic because I thought I was going to have to cancel again. She finally showed up at my house with the car 20 minutes before I was supposed to meet this guy at movies. Lucky for me, the movie theater was close to home and I was able to get there on time.

I stood outside the theater feeling oh so cute in my skinny jeans and low cut top. I heard a deep voice say my name and I turned around sexily to see a very tall underdressed thug. Let’s just say that I was not a happy camper. I don’t do ghetto. That, to me, is one of the biggest turnoffs. He was wearing one of those long white t-shirts and I was embarrassed to be seen in public with him especially since he gestured for a hug right away. I sucked it up and said its only one date and maybe he has a nice personality that can make up for everything else. We decided to see “Terminator Salvation” and that, as well as seeing Jeff Foxworthy in the lobby, was definitely the highlight of the entire evening especially since he didn’t hold the door for me nor did was I offered anything from the snack counter. Anyway, I suppose I’ll get over it. My date and I talked randomly for a while before the movie started. I found out some pretty interesting things in this conversation. I found out that he was younger than he first mentioned and that high school “wasn’t for [him]”. In our earlier emails he mentioned he attended one of the local high schools and I just assumed that he had graduated. Silly me, I should have known that to assume just makes an ass out of you and me but in my case, just me.

Thankfully, the movie was so action packed that I could get lost in it and forget about everything around me. He appeared bored and seemed to doze off throughout the movie and I just couldn’t understand why. It was fantastic. Terminator was filled with all these gorgeous men. Any of which I would be glad to be with at that very moment. When the movie was over, I was overjoyed that I could go home. We walked out the theater and I was ready to say our good byes and go our separate ways but he had other Ideas. He asked what I wanted to do now and I said bluntly “go home”. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I was being honest. He insisted he wanted to walk me to my car so he could see what it looks like. I wouldn’t have had a problem with is if he had come up with a better excuse like he wanted to make sure I got there safely considering it was late. We parted ways with a hug and him saying he wants to do this again. I responded with a simple “I’ll text you”.

After the date, I almost wanted to give up on online dating and dating itself altogether but I realized that, despite everything, It was an experience. Not necessarily a good one but it could have been worse. I’m not completely bummed because this is what my whole journey is about. I gained experience and I learned things about myself such as what I will and will not tolerate in people that I surround myself with. Was he a bad person? Absolutely not. Was he bad for me? I might have to say yes on that one. I lived, I learned, and I got to see “Terminator Salvation” for free.

The Plan

The title says it all—that’s right; I’m a novice when it comes to anything social. I’m twenty years old and can count the number of dates I’ve had on one hand. Make that half a hand. Not to mention the number of social events I have not attended with my peers of course. My lack of dating and socializing is not by choice and in my opinion, it is pretty pathetic. No one can ever believe that I am this “challenged” in this area. I am not overly picky but I do have certain standards that I am not willing to budge on when it comes to dating. Sorry, no settling here. I can also be pretty shy and reserved upon first meeting, but once I get to know someone, you can’t shut me up. Hmmm, maybe that’s the problem.

I’m taking this time and opportunity to explore myself and my habits when it comes to socializing. I know I have flaws and am willing to work on them. It all ends here and now. I’m putting myself out there, gaining experience, learning about myself, and having fun all at the same time. I’m young and ready to experience all that life and love has to offer. It’s not too late for me yet. I’m taking my dating and social destiny into my own hands ...

My first step was to join a dating website and I chose True.com. I put up a few pictures and they’re pretty cute if I do say so myself. If I was a guy or a lesbian, I would definitely give myself a second look. I updated my Facebook and Myspace pages because those can be really great media for networking and meeting new people. I also joined a couple of groups on Meetup.com. That can be a great way to meet all kinds of people while getting to try new things. They have groups specifically for singles but they also have groups for girls’ night out, sporting activities, or just having fun. After all, my journey is not just about meeting guys; but its also about finding myself and developing an active social life.

Other things I’m considering are going to the gym to get healthier and in better shape. I’m not totally heinous looking but everyone could use a little work. I’m just trying to make myself the best me possible ... not change myself.

I need to make myself more available and that’s what I’m going to be doing from now on. I'm open to all the new people and new experiences to come. I will be chronicling my adventures as a social novice. So bring on the good, the bad, and the socializing!