What I thought was the beginning

A few posts ago I mentioned that contacted this guy I used to know and how he never contacted me back. I was crushed but then out of the blue this weekend after a year of no contact and months of no response. Since I was dedicating so much time to talking about him, I thought I would give you the complete story. From beginning to end. I wrote it in story form so I hope you enjoy... BTW, the names have been changed in order to protect the identities of those involved.

It was early Sunday morning when my mom and I walked into church as usual; not paying attention to anyone or anything in particular. Never really feeling like I belonged at that church, I quickly took my seat trying to go unnoticed. There was nothing special about the service that day and I was actually quite bored throughout the service and thrilled when it was over. My mother and I headed down the stairs and headed out the door as soon as it was over but, as usual, my mother got caught up with greeting, hugging, and "loving on" everyone. I just stood back and watched my mother do what she does best. One particular member, a young handsome man, came up to us and offered hugs which we both accepted.That in itself wasn't out of the ordinary because it was a very loving church.

"How old are you?" asked my mom to the young man hugging him after he hugged me.

"Me? 23." he replied without hesitation.

"Hmm OK just wondering" responded my mother.

I found it odd for her to ask that random question but I never put anything past my overly friendly mother.
On the ride home my mom said

"I think he likes you"

"Who?" I ask

"Adam"

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know. I just have a feeling"

"I don't think so. I should know."

"OK whatever"

"Then again, I'm not really good at picking up on things like that"
"Alright then, you should believe me."

I wanted to believe that he liked me but I never even noticed him. It is pretty unusual for me because if there is an attractive eligible guy around who could possibly be even the slightest bit attracted to me, I'll notice. I may not act on it but I definitely notice.

Another Sunday arrives and I am paying slightly more attention to the mystery guy because if there's someone who likes me, I most certainly wants to find out more about it. I have never been the pretty girl or at least that's the way I feel. A quick smile was exchanged between the two before service started but that was it. I was talking to the pastor after church and could see Adam standing near by seemingly waiting for me. During the entire chat with the pastor, Adam and I maintained eye contact. I didn't know what this meant but I knew it made me feel good. We hugged the traditional "church hug" before leaving. It was the kind that evoked no particular emotion and that could be given to a stranger. However, it was enough to keep me happy and filled with anticipation for an entire week.

The next Sunday I went to church with my younger cousins who were visiting for the week. When we arrived, I saw Adam and we exchanged a sweet smile as usual. I then noticed that he was sitting with a small boy. I never thought anything of it because kids seemed to gravitate to him all the time. He immediately came over to where my cousins and I were sitting.

"Good morning beautiful. Would you like to meet my son?" I was a little taken aback at the thought of him having a son not to mention the fact that he called me beautiful. your son? I thought.

"Of Course."

"Well, This is Jacob."

"Hey there! How are you?" I said sweetly. He was adorable and I couldn't resist picking him up and embracing him warmly. "I love babies."

"Aren't you going to ask her name. Isn't she beautiful?"

"What's your name?" the little boy said in the smallest cutest voice imaginable.

I told him my name and asked him how old he was. He held up 3 fingers.

Soon after that, we all took our seats and listened to the service. All throughout the message, Jacob, who was sitting in front of me with his father, kept looking back and playing with me. After service he came up to me and hugged me before leaving. This hug, however, wasn't like the others. It was long and filled with emotion. I melted and felt so safe and comforted in his arms. I could have stayed there all day and was almost disappointed when we separated. At that moment I knew this was "the one". After the embrace ended he said "My son was just shining in your light." I didn't really know what that meant or what to make of it but I did know that it had to be something good. My mother was in a rush and I had to leave. I walked out the door looking back and noticing that Adam was watching me leave. I held up my hand in a departing manner and he flashed that smile that could make me feel butterflies like never before.

Later that day, my mother and were shopping and I explained to her how the hug was without the whole "he-was-the-one" thing. My mom once again mentioned that she thought that he liked me and that she was going to find out his story from the pastor. This intrigued me because with my mom behind me it made it feel more real and not just another imagined attraction that I so frequently experienced.

A couple Sundays went by and finally I got to see him again. We walked into church and there he was once again with his son. I walked in the door and exchanged our usual smile. He looked almost excited to see me. I walked over to him casually and said hi and then immediately directed my attention to his son. I didn't want to seem desperate. Adam never seemed to acknowledge me the whole service which kind of made me think that maybe he didn't like me "like that" and he was just being friendly. I always tended to think that any guy that even paid me the slightest bit of attention must like me. I didn't want to over think it with him because I was really starting to like him. After church, he came over to me and gave me one of those melting hugs. When we separated this time, his arms trailed along my body finally coming to a halt at my hands. He held me there with such sweet strong possession that I thought
"Take me, you can have me. Right here, right now".
"How was your week?" he started off with.

"It was fine... I missed you last week."

"Yeah. Taledega was..."

"Was it awesome?" I quickly blurted out.

"It really was a great experience".

This casual conversation continued for a little while until he drifted away for a while to play with the kids in the church. I sat down in disappointment feeling abandoned and then he came back and sat in front of me and began talking again. He shared a brief portion of his testimony and I listened intently. He was actually sharing with me some intimate stories about his life that I thought should have been shared later on in this possibly budding relationship but I wasn't complaining. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I found him even more attractive now that he was focused solely on me. I could feel his eyes piercing through me and I liked every minute of it. We talked about school and church, ministry, and lots of other little things. Then, once again, he got up again to go play with the kids. Sitting with me in between playing. This frustrated me but I let it go. Sort of. After a while, he completely abandoned me alone there and this made me feel quite uncomfortable. The Pastor said he was ready and Adam had to go. He came over and gave me a "church hug" with a little bit more substance and whispered "I love you" and I couldn't respond quickly enough, "I love you too". And with that he was gone. I was pleased with our interaction but I just wished there would have been more. Something I could hold onto. Plus, I was supposed to be leaving to go back to school in a few weeks and we would be separated for a while and I felt like every encounter had to count because our relationship had to be strong enough so that it could grow even though we were going to be apart for a while.

One of my unfortunate habits was to plan my wedding and my whole life basically with any guy I liked in my head and Adam was no exception. I thought about it constantly. I could see us standing at the altar together and everything. I tried harder than ever to block those thoughts but it seemed as though I couldn't control it. I knew it was crazy but I just couldn't help it. I've always been that way.

If indeed he was The One, I was just going to leave it up to God and let things run their course. I wasn't going to force anything and see where things went. With each passing day, I was filling with excitement and anticipation about this new possible relationship...
I was feeling particularly cute that following Sunday morning on my way to church. I knew that I was going to get a chance to see Adam again that Sunday and after the great strides we had been making, I thought that nothing but greatness would follow. I walked into the sanctuary with my mother and Adam was nowhere to be seen. At first, it was shock when I scanned the sanctuary not seeing him anywhere. I was crushed and couldn't believe that he wasn't there. Immediately I thought the worst; he went back out to the streets and left the ministry. He was gone forever. Even with all these thoughts racing through my head, every time the door swung open, I held my breath hoping it was Adam. Both my mother and I wondered and speculated all throughout service where he was. Finally, my mom asked a friend of his where he was and found out that he moved out of the Pastor's house. It was both the most crushing news and a relief at the same time. It was good to know that he had not left church in rebellion in order to go back to a life of crime but then again it meant that I was not going to get to see him anymore. I was in such shock because that meant that he was gone. Gone out of my life forever. He could have been everything that I ever desired and I would ever get the chance to find out what greatness we could accomplish together. I should have known better than to get my hopes so high.

After accepting the fact that Adam was no longer in the picture, I tried to move on but it proved harder than I thought. He wasn't even my type because he just didn't posses some of the materialistic qualities that I usually require. However, there was something about him that kept drawing me in. I saw his Myspace profile a while ago and never got up the courage to add him as a friend because I didn't want to seem like a stalker. I looked at it all the time just to feel like I had a piece of him and couldn't resist looking at it again and again just to pick and the wound. A few months ago when I decided to start a new journey of socializing, I decided go ahead and message him. It was a brief message basically saying hi and asking if he remembered me. Months went by with no response so I imagined he was ignoring me. Suddenly, I get a response and was so overwhelmed with joy that I thought I might burst. He was excited to hear from me and have me his number and told me to call him. I was too nervous to call so I texted and texted back for me to call him so I built up the courage and called. We talked for a while about a gig he had that night. He invited me but I made an excuse but he didn't seem bothered and said he would call me later to tell me how it went. I was so excited that he was back in my life and couldn't wait to see the possibilities. I waited and waited for him to call me back and he never did. Its been several days and no word from him. I am not going to be the one to call because he said he would and I don't want to seem clingy. Once again, I felt the pain of him again. There's still something inside me that craves him but I have to accept the fact we may never be. I'm not totally writing him off but I'm so over his disappearing acts.